– I look like a marshmallow that someone just threw the stick and the marshmallow into the fire and was like fuck it, I don’t want to see that marshmallow ever again. This week I’m going to be following fashion rules from women’s magazines form the past several decades. I think for a lot of girls growing up, women’s magazines are sort of your first venture into the world of womanhood. Plus size fashion has come so far in like the last five years alone, so I feel like in the 70s and 80s it’s gonna be like if you’re a little heavier, you should wear a circus tent. So for day one I had to follow some rules from a 1981 Woman’s Day magazine. So one of the things they suggested was a chemise style dress, that’s supposed to skim the hips and hide your problem areas. I look like the woman at an Italian funeral who gets mad at everybody for not eating.
What do you think about this? – I just, you know it just ages you. – You look like you’re about to play an organ. – At your own funeral. – Showing this outfit on someone who’s a completely different body type to you is like so useless. – It seemed like the idea in the early 80s was that like if you have figure problems you should just go into the witness protection program. For my next outfit I also picked something from the later 80s. So the rules suggested that I wear something that had like fitted trousers but like a really loose tunic that would skim my hips. So it wasn’t like a total potato sack. This feels huge on me. I look like a goth pillow case. It was like a black M&M with legs. – This does not make your figure look slimmer at all. – It’s very shall we say, tent-chic. – [Kristin] Yeah that’s one way to put it.
– It’s flowy. – I mostly just kind of look like parts of me are censored, like from here down. I’m too hot for TV. This was a thumbs sideways for me. I saw in a magazine there was a spread where on one half it talked about how to make a problem waist look better and then on the other half it talked about how to make a problem tummy look better. And they were two different outfits.
If you have a problem waist or a problem tummy, you probably have both. So I decided to follow the waist flattering tips on day three, I wore a brightly colored blazer with a belt and slim trousers. Alright, it’s my 90s outfit, I got this little belted jacket situation here, I kind of feel like a newscaster or like, I dunno Effie from The Hunger Games on like a casual Friday. This is definitely a distinct improvement from all black every day, I look like if a highlighting marker went to a business meeting. – I mean, it’s flattering, it’s just not your personal style usually, it doesn’t look like, you’re not usually in like color-blocked things. – I think the first 90s outfit was pretty good. 90s rules were more about drawing attention to certain parts of my body and less about making sure that no one could see my body at all. These rules seemed focused on being like well, at least you have boobs, so let’s play up the consolation prize. The second 90s outfit kind of made me feel like I was trying a little bit too hard, sort of trying to draw attention to one area when I clearly don’t want you to look at the other area.
This is what the first wife wears in court to make sure that her husband doesn’t get any of the estate. – It’s just square, it’s very box, it’s very boxy. – [Kristin] It’s like, I’m not a textbook I don’t need to be skimmed over. – Yeah, exactly. – Yes to the coat, maybe not to the scarf. If you had the coat open and you show a little cleave I think that’d be really sexy. – I look like a doctor at like the fanciest OBGYN office ever. So this outfit was also like a thumbs sideways. So day five was an outfit from the mid-2000s. I wore an empire waisted top with a pair of bootcut jeans because according to the magazines I saw, bootcut jeans are supposed to balance out your hips. Finding a pair of like really flared bootcut jeans was really hard, they’re really not super cool right now so people aren’t wearing them. I think what we learned here is that I don’t so much look smaller as I just of look like Hillary Duff. I think this is a really good way of making sure no one knows you have feet.
– These feel sort of like when I used to wear baggy jeans because I didn’t know how to wear clothes that fit me back in high school, like that’s what it reminds me of. – I spent all of college thinking that I should be wearing these things. – You look like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. – Yeah, I look like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Pairs of Bellbottoms. Everyone just kind of thought I looked dated. This outfit was a thumbs down for me. I read an article in Oprah magazine that talks about how wrap dresses accentuate your curves and cinch in your waist because cinching in your waist is cool again. Got the v-neck, ’cause you can’t forget about my two favorite backup dancers, my boobs. What do you think? – You look nice! – I like it, it’s giving me like, Angelina Jolie like pop at the Oscars vibes right now. – This dress never fails. I don’t think I talked to anyone who didn’t like this dress. I think right now we’re very conditioned to feel that like showing yourself off is good and so you know this is kind of how black looks like in 2017.
It’s the intersection of what’s cool and what I like about my body which is these fun little curves here. If you don’t cinch in your waist you can’t see ’em. Take that 80s. This outfit is a thumbs up. People always want to feel like they’re wearing the thing that’s gonna make them look the best. Fashion has such a powerful role to play in how people view themselves and it seems so silly to like cut yourself off from different outfits because some dork in a magazine said it was bad. Looking your best is about feeling your best. And you can feel your best in basically anything..
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